***
Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunken standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
***
Salesman of the Year
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
***
Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
***
Advice
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
***
Sign of the Times
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
***
Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
***
Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
***
Gorilla
Gorilla
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
